Gimme, gimme, gimme

A couple of weeks ago, my brother, his girlfriend, and I took a short trip with Mom through LaSalle Parish. She showed off an estate sitting right off Highway 84 that recently went on the market. It consists of a picturesque two story house, a shop building, and a massive garage. All of that is perched atop a fairly steep hill, which overlooks several acres of oak and pine. It’s quite lovely. I never pry Mom about her finances but I hope she and her husband can acquire it, provided that the price is reasonable.

After taking a look at the property, we drove into Jena and had lunch. We passed by the estate as we drove back to Mom’s home in Whitehall. Mom interrupted her conversation with the rest of us and said a quick prayer out loud, which I will roughly paraphrase as, “Lord, please deliver us this home if it is according to Your will. Amen.”

“Geez, Mom! Isn’t that kind of selfish?” I asked. I was only halfway teasing.

“Hey! I made sure to ask for only something that He will deliver by His will! Besides, our house is tiny and our yard floods every time it rains! It will be nice to have a bigger house and a hill that lets the water run off!”

“But that still seems like a copout,” I retorted. “If I follow your logic, I can pray for anything as long as I drop in the ‘by Your will be done’ disclaimer. Doesn’t that add a lot of clutter to God’s day planner?”

“This sounds like one of your oddball thoughts. I don’t follow you,” Mom sighed.

“Check it out. I’ll give you a slightly more exaggerated example. ‘Dear Lord, please allow me to marry a Playboy Playmate with more curves than Horseshoe Drive and legs longer than the Lake Ponchartrain Causeway. But don’t deliver me just any bubble-headed blonde bimbo. Give me one with brains, personality, and a soul. By Your will be done. Amen.’”

“Okay, that’s just silly,” she muttered.

My brother piped in. “Is it? Maybe there is a girl just like that who’s waiting for Wayne. He’s smart. He’s been around the world. He’s not like most of those cheesy guys who usually marry those broads.”

At this point, I turned around in my seat and told him, “You and I rarely agree on anything, but that is a damn good point. It might be the most salient point you’ve ever made.”

“Thanks!” he gushed.

“You two boys are just silly,” Mom snapped. “I can’t believe you’re making light of this.”

“C’mon, Mom,” I pleaded. “That’s all I know!”

Well, not really. But I figured that wasn’t the time or place to argue about it. And Mom is (somewhat) justified in praying for this deal to come to fruition. Her home is small and the yard does flood every time there’s a heavy rain. It would be nice if they could acquire that big house on 84. I just know that I’d be uneasy about requesting divine intervention when it comes to real estate transactions. Like I noted earlier, on a good day I tend to view God as a deity with a pretty full plate. On a bad day, I feel like we’re an abandoned science project. This planet is chockfull of ugly and selfish people who won’t stop hurting themselves and each other, and we use the flimsiest pretexts to justify our awfulness. Tell me how we’re any nobler than a terrarium that went neglected during Spring Break.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus and Buddha and Shakespeare and Einstein and Hulk Hogan and all of that jazz. Nevertheless, most of us stink.

ANYWAY, I do know that I rarely pray for myself these days. Whenever I do, it’s pretty brief. My most fervent praying/begging/bargaining with God has always been for other people, like when my best friend was deployed to Iraq in ’04, which was an absolutely bloody and terrible time over there. Then there were my dealings with a soldier in Iraq last year. He was standing right next to his battle buddy, who was vaporized by a mortar. He looked like he was about to become unhinged, possibly suicidal. I didn’t eat for a week; I was so scared for that kid’s soul. As far as I know, he’s okay now…as much as one can be when you deal that type of horror.

And then there are my recent petitions for my grandfather, which most of y’all are well aware of by now. They’re putting a feeding tube in him today. I’m highly ambivalent about that, but it’s not my call and I’m not fighting the people who made that decision. More than anything, I just want an end to his agony.

Now that’s not to say I haven’t made exceptions. When I first got to Iraq, I prayed for strength to endure whatever came my way. I guess those were answered. And I did last week when I was vomiting with the force and speed of a shotgun blast, and then when I had a nasty blackened funk hanging over me.  I’m much better now, so thank you Tiny Baby Jeebus.

Most people are surprised when I tell them that I didn’t do a lot of praying in the bunkers, when I had a scary near-miss with a mortar out in the open, or when I was in a chopper taking incoming fire. It was too late for absolution when those types of things happened.

You never knew when it was coming. If it was your time, then your ticket would get punched JUST. LIKE. THAT. At least that’s what I hoped for. I didn’t want to bleed out while I tried to cram my guts back in. That would have been the worst. But you couldn’t spend every waking minute worrying about it, so I just pushed it to the back of my mind. I honestly spent more time worrying about how KBR would screw us over on a daily basis and if LSU would ever get a competent quarterback than I did worrying about death and damnation.

So I’m not holding my breath waiting for God to answer my latest smartassed prayer request. And besides, I have a general rule of thumb when it comes to meeting hot babes. If she’s an 8.5 or higher, I’m probably not even going to bother. She’s either already taken or she’s heard it all before. And most babes who are considered to be “most beautiful” have no personality or humor whatsoever. They never needed to develop it. Their whole identity and worldview hinges on their physical beauty, which is ephemeral. And most women are already insane for the most part, so reality doesn’t matter to them most of the time. So why in God’s name would I want to deal with some hot neurotic mess?

Then again…


Tiffany, I think we shared “a moment” at Comic-Con. Have your people contact my people and we’ll do lunch.


11 Comments on “Gimme, gimme, gimme”

  1. zohrbak says:

    Since you have such a hard time praying for yourself, I will add to my current prayer list your wish for a hot Playboy bunny with brains and a personality. Don’t mention it. Perhaps you could read through my “Dream World” list and pick one of those things to pray for me for. Maybe God didn’t notice that we just cut that deal, what with his busy day planner and all.

  2. YaYa says:

    I enjoyed reading your blog. I never really thought about it, but most of my prayers are for others that are most dear to my heart and I save mine for last, which I usually fall asleep before I can finish. I did pray the other day, “Lord, please let the rain come tomorrow and not today so we can boil crawfish & the kids can play outside, if your will be done”. I’m happy to say, it did not rain. BTW – I heard Zohrbak has a single neighbor friend who has lots of personality & humor. Just sayin’

  3. john s says:

    she has really nice ‘eyes’

  4. Michell Grosenick says:

    You can’t get what you don’t ask for. It is noble of you to spend your energy praying for the well being of others, but you deserve goodness too. My two cents.

  5. Catherine Compton says:

    I love your blog! I agree with Michell, pray without ceasing! Believe it or not that is how I met my husband. It really works!

  6. yesh01 says:

    I always compare & contrast the form & function of anything & everything to what Scripture reveals. So, if you’re interested, here are some “prayer” specific Scripture. Intercessory prayer should be made for everyone. (1 Tim 2:1;Eph 6:18),The example of Christ. (John 17:1-26)
    ;(Romans 8:34;Heb 7:25;1John 2:1);The Holy Spirits example.(Romans 8:26).Job’s example. (Job 42:8-10).Moses’ example. (Numbers 14:19).Stephen’s example.(Acts 7:60).Jesus’ way.(Matthew 6:5-13).Acceptable through Christ.(John 14:13-14).Important for husband & wife relationship.(1 Peter 3:7).At all times.(Psalm 88:1;1 Thess 5:17;1 Tim 5:5).Regarding everything.(Philipians 4:6).For others.(1 Tim 2:1;James 5:13-18;1 John 5:16). One must keep in mind that ALL prayer must REFLECT the character/nature of God, not CONTRADICTING Him. Prayer must GLORIFY God. Our prayers must be HOLY & RIGHTEOUS, not “holier-than-thou or self-righteous”, but devoid of SOLEY selfish reasons.Most of all, we need to understand that The LORD God is NOT a “genie-in-a-bottle”, He IS God. He is, in EVRYTHING we do, to be HONORED,& REVERED….Some “food” for thought…& prayer as well….

  7. Another excellent post thanks for sharing! I enjoy reading your blog very much. Spending time with my family is something I love to do.

    Fun Family Activities

  8. hajii-sawa says:

    I think I particularly like this post Wayne. It seems to touch on a sensitive nerve. After almost a decade of searching I found in Catholicism (gasp) the reality of Covenant very comforting. Covenant being a ‘loving’ contract between two parties. Luther saw it more in legalistic terms, or so I’m told. The Covenants of the Old Testament, being the imperfect precursors of the New Covenant between Jesus and His Church, and His People, is reflected in the examples our own parents set for us. This is why in my own life, despite our best intentioned efforts to steer our kids in the ways of faith, our three oldest kids took the path of darkness for periods of adolescence, and rejection of Faith and God. They did not see the Universal Church being lived out in our own Domestic Church. If one had a stern, unforgiving,absent(insert whatever human failing you can think of) father, it will unfailingly effect our perception of God the Father. The same can be seen with a negligent Mother. The reverse then is also true. We’ve met several truly Christian families, and the one Absolute quality they all shared was a strong marriage, one the kids saw truly reflected, with integrity, the Christian values. Integrity is the key. So my hope for you is that you defer the hot, clueless, Playboy bunny, and rather go for that cute female soldier who took ID’s at the DEFAC. You could plainly see the inner beauty of that young lady, and I’d be extremely surprised if she were a product of the wild bar scene, and not the inevitable work of Charity found in a truly loving Godly Covenant-based home. Hajii-out

  9. Mom says:

    I pray that you find the lady you asked for with your prayer and I’m still praying that if God feels like it’s in “HIS WILL” about the house. Sure don’t won’t to make decision that would be wrong.

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